Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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