I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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