Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You're a waste of cheezeits
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
