im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
