Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
