I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
