People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
