I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
