Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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