if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
