Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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