You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
