so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
