I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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