He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
