she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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