His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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