Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
