i wish my penis had a tongue
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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