My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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