It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
