we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
