My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
