oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
