Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
