i love accidental penises.
operation have a gay friend backfired
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
