So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
