I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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