there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
