No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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