dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Randomize
