why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
