He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
