no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
