so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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