Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
