using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
