What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
