i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
