had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
