I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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