I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
