You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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