I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
