its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
