I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
