I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
