this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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