If you die in college, do you die in real life?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
