Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
